3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My bed is full of blood and feathers
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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