I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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