Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
