sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
