The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
