So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
