How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize