how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
