Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
