allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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