Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
