Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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