So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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