She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
