I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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