Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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