So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
