i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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