i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
