seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
