got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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