drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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