Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
