my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
