so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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