I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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