sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
