It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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