I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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