finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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