Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
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