You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
