well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
