is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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