Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
