Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize