I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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