I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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