Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Still dying that you shit outside
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My vagina is officially offended.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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