i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
