I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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