Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
