If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
