he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
