she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
