I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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