I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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