Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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