i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
