If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
