How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
