Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
