Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
