don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
