Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
