OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
